my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
whose parrot is this?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
