thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
