remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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