i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
