you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
