Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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