did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I met the friendliest cop last night
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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