o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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