i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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