Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
