they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
