Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
