He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
