He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
