I seem to have left my pride at pride
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
