i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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