The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
