She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
