If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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