Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
