I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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