You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
