In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
