If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
