accomplished twins. life is a go
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
