and you said cock pushups were impossible
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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