listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
