you would pick up someone in the library
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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