So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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