I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
