i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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