Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
