Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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