I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Randomize
