I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
