Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
