His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
