Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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