hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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