i just had sex bonerless
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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