you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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