Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
