youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
