Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
