you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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