I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
