I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
