Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
