Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
