Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
