I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
