Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
