I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
